Being Perfect
Article by Tonya Menz Pignato, LCSW
As humans, we are naturally flawed. We make mistakes and are imperfect. Yet, many individuals focus on being and living in perfection. They want to be a perfect spouse, the perfect hostess, have the perfect house, the perfect looking children or the perfect vacation. Many individuals strive to look flawless, by hiding extra weight, blemishes or wrinkles. Some may focus on that perfect job, the perfect investment portfolio, or golf score. We struggle with acceptance of being human and the limitations that goes along with that. The focus on being perfect creates underlining anxieties and self-worth issues, that challenge the way we see reality. Honestly, how can a person feel good about themselves, if their goal is to be ‘seen’ perfect in every way? And how can they feel fulfilled about their connections with others or their higher power, if their high expectations can never be obtained?
Pia Mellody shares in her studies, that the desire for perfection derives from our childhood. Individuals who are raised by parents with limited ability to be present and connect in healthy ways, will usually adapt their behavior to meet their unfulfilled needs. As that child grows up, the adaptations grow with them and as an adult may appear unhealthy. What may have looked like a little girl wanting to please her adult figures through doing things ‘right’ may now look like an adult, who is controlling and perfectionistic. The need for acknowledgement and acceptance is still the same – it just looks more dysfunctional. The underlining wound of feeling unworthy, fuels the fire to always be seen as ‘enough’.
The fear of every perfectionist is FAILURE. This unconscious belief system affects the way they see reality. They see their value through a ‘black or white’, ‘wrong or right’ lens. There is little gray area to feel fulfilled. The fight for perfection may sometimes look just like that – a fight. An individual may present argumentative, when they feel they are not given the credit that they deserve or the acknowledgement for their efforts. They so strongly want to be seen and heard. A gift that was not given freely by their caretakers. Their reality is seen differently by others which can create disagreements. Letting go is not in their wheel house.
Through the therapeutic healing process, a perfectionist can learn to accept their flaws and limitations, while celebrating them. They will learn to embrace being ‘perfectly imperfect’ therefore allowing vulnerability. Most perfectionist I have met, are innately kind and caring individuals. They are an efficient and reliable team member hidden behind their resentment of not feeling good enough. Therapy can help them use their voice to be heard while letting go of being right. They will feel free from the burdens of resentment and acknowledge their own value through a new lens.