The Lost Client

Article by Tonya Menz Pignato, LCSW

Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash

  My heart goes out to the Family members dealing with a loved one who is struggling with addiction.  As the love one receives 30 to 60 days of treatment, the families are lucky to be invited to 3 days of education and support.  Like I said “Education and support” not healing. I love to hear about the treatment centers who offer week long treatments and more for the families.  They are the Lost Client in the recovery process and sometimes more traumatized than the identified patient.

The Family member’s stability has suffered due to the wreckage from the addiction.  They feel exhausted most of the time.  They appear hyper-vigilant with heightened reactivity to situations.  They feel anxious, afraid, irritable, and depressed.    They have suffered Trauma, yet very little help is offered to them.  They are typically forgotten in the treatment process.  It is too easy to refer them to Ala-Non or Nar-Anon.  The 12 Step program is vital to their recovery, but it is only part of the healing process.  They need to be treated for their traumatic experiences, that occurred during the loved one’s active addiction, as well as their own past. 

An experiential program can assist in the healing process.  The process allows the individual to journey from the over-active adaptation to identifying repressed feelings and or memories. Blocking feelings and reality is sometimes an automatic response to trauma.  It allows the individual to cope with a dangerous or threatening situation and protect itself and family, through means of a behavior change…ie adaptation.  Unfortunately, the cost is that they lose their sense of self.  They are now only focused on the external to determine their reality. 

Being focused on the external in an addictive family promotes many dysfunctional behaviors, that we consider Co-Addict or Codependent behaviors.  All these adaptive, behaviors are to prevent the feeling of discomfort.  Just as the identified client uses substances to alleviate discomfort, the family members subconsciously use their behaviors.  Bringing the awareness conscious, helps to make the change.  Learning to sit in the discomfort and heal the hurt or pain is the Treatment

We as clinicians need to make a better effort to help the Lost Client start healing.  We can make appropriate referrals to intensive experiential programs, and to EMDR  or trauma therapists.  Sending the family member to someone who treats solely addiction is not helping the family member. It is keeping them focused on the identified client.  They need to know that they  are also clients, which may be difficult to do, but a very important piece.